Daddy Thoughts 22- Dreamt of arguing, listening

I just woke up from yet another dream that me and my teen were arguing about something. You see, I have some righteous (or so I think) concerns for my boy. One, bee a critical thinker. So, both me, my wife, and his mom often engage him in discussions about race, politics, class, gender, so many things. If I’m being honest though, part of it is because I grew up talking that way with my parents and I’m familiar wit it. I do truly hope that from his family het gets points of views that are different than what main stream movies, media, etc are saying. And I’ve told him I don’t want you to think like me, I want you to take what Im saying and form your own opinion. Having an informed opinion is important, i think.


Two. I really want him to know what it means to work hard and sometimes this desire overlooks the hard work he does do and the fact that the nature of work is changing. I’ve had him cleaning the bathroom, the living room, his room, doing his laundry, taking out the trash, I’ve given him jobs where he can earn money or pay me back for something I bought that he wanted. But sometimes, I can be a little too pushy and demanding. And I’m trying to do better. He sometimes bitches or moans at some extras I make him do and I have to remind myself I did too when I was a kid.


Three. I want him to choose a path forward (after high school) that he’s passionate about. I know at times he’d rather just play video games and stay in his room. And sometimes I forget what it was like to be a teenager and press upon him, adding to the pressure he must feel from all of us and all of it. I don't want him to serve the system of exploiting people though. I've been very vocal about that. Be aware of this or that, challenge this or that. But even I get bored of hearing myself repeat things so I know he must.


I haven’t been complete drill sergeant or a stoic figure who expresses little emotion, comfort, or love. But I have to remind myself to not get too angry when he refuses, gets annoyed, pulls away, or resists; and tell him. Tell him I’m proud of him, that I care for him and that I love him. I want to dismiss the myth that all teenagers are jerks, because they’re not. I do believe they are going through a lot during those years. I remember hormones raging, feeling self conscious, afraid to speak up, and just wanting nothing more than to hang out with my friends, my guys, to laugh, have fun, and make and see dope art in the form of music, graffiti, djing, paintings, so many things. I remember short answers with my parents and just wanting my own space to be free of rules and responsibilities. So I get it. I have to confess that I have let my frustration at perceived inaction get to me at times, and I’m trying to listen. That is ultimately what my dream was about. Forcing him to do something, and instead listening to him tell me how and when he wanted to deal with it. The issue I was mad about was not big, his words were/are.


Ooh, my toddler is awake and she’s demanding attention. If you're a parent who’s been there or afraid of going there, what are your thoughts or advice? Like when do they start eating breakfast again, lol.

Last Daddy Thoughts on Father's rap songs

If you'r new here, this is a series I've been writing for several years off and on about being a dad, co-parent, struggles, triumphs, mistakes, and more human shit. I'm trying every day to be a better dad, husband, co-parent, and human.

Daddy Thoughts 21- Father's Day Rap

Starting this one off with a new one- Skyzoo from brooklyn.

There are sooo many hip hop artists that mention their children but these are a few I actually remember.  I feel like, just with any music the song has to be dope. And second, it helps to have a positive message whether that is from a person to an absentee parent or a from a new parent to a baby or child. They all important. What about you? Which hip hop song about fatherhood comes to mind for you?
Classic from Bambu-Oakland/LA

Bru Lei · BetterMan~ Bru Lei

Bru Lei from Sacramento! Rico Pabon of "Prophets of Rage" -Oakland

Xzibit- LA Nas-NYC Classic from ED OG - Boston

The last joint I wrote about was called "Other Plans"

Daddy Thoughts 20 - Other plans

I think there was a saying that if you want to make god laugh, show her/him your plans. I'm probably getting that wrong. But it seems like this entire year has other plans for our plans. Sure some people may just be coasting along like nothing has happened but I think a good majority of the worlds population is adjusting, pivoting, changing, etc.

Take for example my baby girl who is now 20 months old. From the time she was born up until about the age of 1 I stayed home to care for her while Mama worked. Of course I still worked doing what I could at night, in between naps, etc. But she is a fully formed toddler now, asking for things, expressing happiness and discontent. She walks, runs, eats food and spits it out. I thought at the beginning of this year I'm about to make all kinds of new projects in addition to client work, but with childcare closed and our family distancing the time to create and work was cut in half. We're blessed though, making it work. Me and Mama take turns from 8am-5pm. I'm on morning shift, Mama's on afternoon. Trying to work and care for bebe girl has lead to some hilarious moments. Especially since we're potty training. The other day I was answering emails, watching my girl like a hawk for any sign that she might go pee (she had no pants for the first 10 days), all the while making lunch for me and my wife.happened the other day. And as soon as I look away to turn down the stove, season that, she pooped. Haha, right in the middle of the kitchen. So I took a breath, cleaned her, the poop, the floor, my hands, and proceeded to make lunch.

But for my teen, I can't imagine how hard it is. I talk to him regularly and ask him how he's doing. I make sure to check on him and he's in good hands with his Mami. But, leaving the normalcy of the last 12-13 years of seeing other children in school came to a screeching halt. Sure, there's so much that happens nw days over text. I know kids message each other sometimes more than they see one another and that he plays video games and talks to friends via games. But, it is still quite anxiety inducing; this whole culture. I'm lucky he still opens up and shares what makes him happy. We've got a book club going on where we read together. And I try to honestly check out some of the things he shares with me even if I don't understand. And despite all this, he's still doing great on his assigned work. I'm just glad its not his graduating year, or the prom he's missing. I do wish I could encourage him to have his friends over though. Maybe in a few months, I hope.

Me, I'm tired, horny, feeling a bit overwhelmed at times, hungry, contemplative, robotic, and blessed all at the same time. Give thanks that I still have a roof and that there are so many stepping up. Thats it for today.

Here's the last Daddy Thought-Twist and Repeat

Daddy Thoughts 19- Twist and repeat

Happy New year to all you reading this and all my parents or caregivers of little ones. I regularly write 2-3 posts a year on parenting, fatherhood, co-parenting, mistakes, or triumphs. But last year was a blur of raising baby raising. My daughter is now over a year old and in childcare so I have a bit more time to get back to work. So here are a couple of observations going through the baby stages again.

Twist and bend!
I forgot how much you have to twist, turn, and bend to care for little people. Sometimes that is because they cannot move on their own and need your help to get that bottle, nipple, snack, or to burp. I started to remember that certain parts or sides of my body got a lot of use to hold my daughter and my son. When my son was born I actually started stretching regularly because my back got sore from picking him up or holding him. I'm better at it now, but I still feel it now with the new baby.

The other side of twisting and bending is the manipulation of your own body to catch them so they don't fall. It's the twist to get their shoes on or their diapers off. It's also the movement and turning to feed them. It's really funny to see them squirm and turn away when begin to do it. Then, its like bending and twisting to get them to eat. Some. Thing! How many of you are going through this or remember what it was like? I hope you and your body get some rest this year! If anything this teaches us to be flexible, no?

Repeat because kid is tuned out, eat chips for dinner, don't notice me, littlest effort as possible
Ok with my teen there are a different set of challenges and I would wager to say that this ranges from kid to kid and in no way represents teens. What's up with mine? He is excelling in school and shared a moment that made me proud. I'll come back to that.

Repeat, force,
Lately the challenge has been repeating myself and getting him to listen. I think this is a really tough time because with my teen he's big! But he's still a kid so I have to remind him to do things like be quiet so his sister can nap, close the bathroom door so she doesn't throw stuff into the toilet, etc. Beyond that its the normal stuff like washing dishes, greeting people, and the almighty screens. I have relaxed my rules on screens but I still feel like they still need guidance. It is so easy to spend an entire day staring at one as we as adults know this. It's also easy to forget about real life friends, nature, going to events, and socializing. And I feel like I have to keep trying to reinforce this. Even if it means I am not his favorite person because I made him go outside.

What else? I'm noticing just how much responsibility and pressure is placed on girls and young women versus the freedom to chill and just play that boys have. This is a broad generalization but I see things my mom or family let me do like waiting to make plans, not cooking, or not planning. Planning is such a big one. So, while I don't want to force him to do too much before he's ready I am encouraging him to make plans ahead of time and trying to teach him to cook because he'd eat an entire bag of chips for dinner if I let him.

One things for sure, big brother loves little sister and she is fascinated by him.

That's it. What parenting things are happening for you? Fails and triumphs welcome.
Daddy thoughts 18- Reset button 

Daddy thoughts 18 - Reset button

Hey readers, thanks for continuing to read my thoughts on fatherhood. I last left off at "Brand New Daughter" and have been thinking about how different things are this time around.

Starting over: 
As a new dad again I feel in some ways like I'm starting over. I have a lot of knowledge and experience but also so much to learn still and the feels rather humbling. I did not intend to have such a big break in between children but life had other plans. After my son's mother and I split I realized I needed to date as an adult. I needed to go out and experience some things I hadn't as a young father. When I had my son I was only 24 years old. I was a boy myself! Now I'm a grown man with a newborn and a teenager. And this time although I don't own a home or have all of my finances worked out I feel like I know what to do.

Girl colors: 
My daughter's personality is different from my son's of course. He was often very serious as a baby unless you tickled him. And my daughter smiles all the time. One thing I've noticed again which I'm sorry to say is still such as thing is gendered colors. It is almost automatic to get clothes that are pink. Pink is a beautiful color but it sucks that this is the only marker that says female child. Why can't boys wear pink? I dress my daughter in all sorts of colors and have asked many relatives not to buy her pink clothes. I . don't hate the color. Just the idea that it means "girl" to folks. It's funny, often times I dress her in grey's and people will say "he's" so handsome or cute. Sometimes I correct them, and sometimes I marvel at how engrained we all are. Me included.

New parental improvements: 
There are some new parental improvements that I see. For one, all of the clothes I remember had plain colors or one loud image on them like a car or a pony. Now, I see much more variety in children's clothing. My wife and I have been blessed to get lots of hand me downs from friends, my god daughter, and other kids. And I see a huge improvement in kids clothing styles. Not only that, but diaper bags, bibs, place mats, etc all have gotten stylistically much better looking. The strollers are more hardcore. I remember the fancy off road strollers that you often see parents pushing and running with were astronomically expensive. There still are pricy strollers, but some of the advancements have been made more affordable. One thing tat is slightly better but still needs improvements are changing tables in men's bathrooms. When my son was a baby I always had a tough time trying to find a changing table in the bathroom. Often , I'd find a corner and change him on the floor.

Staying home: 
Right now, I am the stay at home dad. I work as a freelancer so I would be at home anyway. But my wife went back to work and is the breadwinner for our family. I feel happy to be able to take care of my daughter and record her new tricks for Mama. But, I also wish I made more money so my wife could stay home with her. Either way, it has meant more than just caring for our daughter. It has meant trying to have dinner ready, wash the mountains of kid laundry, or clean up the whirlwind of our house. All stuff women have done for ages.

Memory:
I've found that there are certain memories that come back to me about my son when he was a baby. The things he used to do. And so many times I cannot remember a certain thing he did or said and that frustrates the hell out of me. I wish my memory was better.

Anyways, thats it for now. Just some reflections on being a dad again. If you missed it, I got to speak with a dad on this podcast! Stay tuned....

Previous post: Brand new daughter

Daddy Thoughts 17 - Brand new daughter

"Fresh from god's eye" -Ursula Rucker

I've always loved that line. I'm not religious and do not subscribe to any faith. I'm not even sure if I believe in a god, but I have definitely called upon someone or something before....

 Well, in parenting news. In addition to being the father of a 14 year old boy I now have a brand new baby girl. She is smiley, glorious, beautiful, soft, cuddly, and a piece of my heart breathing. My wife gave birth to her in September and we have both been just adjusting to our daughter's every need. That means a lot less sleep of course and the slow down of the grind and hustle to really take time to smell her hands, hold them, and marvel at her presence. She indeed has a presence.

One question I have gotten a lot since she was born is if it is different from when my son was born. Of course it is. I mean, I feel the same and I feel very different. I was a baby when my son was born. My son's mother and I split up when he was 3 and some how managed to co-parent this child since then. Not without hiccups, disagreements, or challenges at all. But he's ok. My wife and I started our relationship over 6 years ago, got married 3 years ago, and now we have this beautiful little girl to be thankful for. We wished for her, wanted her, and prayed that she reach us safely. I feel so blessed that my wife and my daughter are safe and healthy. Baby girl is talking and cooing a lot. She is discovering things beyond a few feet in front of her and she is figuring out how to use her hands. She is amazing and it was extremely sweet to have her big brother meet and hold her (see photo).

A couple of thoughts with this one. Each child has a presence, and is so different. There are things I forgot about, and some things that are coming back to me very easily. One thing is for sure, I am so proud and happy to be her Daddy. I look forward to raising her with her Mama and introducing her to her family and community. I dislike the mountain of girls clothes with pink and having to have a bow or something pink for people to know she is a girl. Also, I wonder if that gender is what she will grow up to be. I can't wait to take her to the park and run around. Me and my son did that all the time and I loved it!

That's it for now.

Previous post: 8th grade feelings

Photos: Me & my daughter by Kristen Murakoshi

These are some of the beautiful shots taken by photographer Kristen Murakoshi of my baby girl. Kristen is a dope artist currently taking sessions for families, babies, weddings, and special occasions. Please go check out her portfolio and sign up for her newsletter.

KRISTEN MURAKOSHI

Daddy Thoughts 16 - 8th grade grad feelings

It's June 7th and I'm pulling my car out of our garage to drive my son to school. I almost hit a car passing by. The dude driving mugs both me and my son. I cautiously throw up my hand, as if to say "my bad" and it was my bad. My mind was going. I was super nervous and I just wanted to do my best to make the day go over as smoothly as possible. I don't think that was quite what happened, but he graduated. We were there to witness it, to hug him, take photos, cry a little bit (I did) and to just marvel at the fact that he completed an experimental spanish immersion program starting in kindergarten nine years ago. Out of 40 families that started the journey (Black, White, Latino, Asian) only 12 stayed and finished. Now bilingual education is making an impact on parents of all types and there is a huge waiting list to get into my son's Oakland Public School. We dressed up a bit and we all prepared mentally to celebrate him. There were lots of feelings. I had a lot of emotional moments throughout the week.

A couple of things. Every time my child has crossed a milestone I feel a sense of pride, joy, nervousness, and a wave of emotions that are hard to describe. Add to that, the fact that I am co-parenting him with his mother and my wife is very much involved. I get a lot of help from my mother and step father too. There are times when I marvel at this beautiful child who I watched go from a crib to an air plane. Each time he changes I am reminded of how beautiful and tough life is for all of us and the unfathomable forces we all have been supported by or have faced in order to still breathe at this moment. It is a universe, country, state, city, home, school, extra-curricular activities, parents, friends, teachers, strangers, and a village that raise us.

For the past two years me and his mother have worked out a co-parenting deal because we no longer live in the same state and city. He has been with me and my wife for two years straight, only visiting his mother on holiday breaks and summer. Now, the tables are about to turn. He's going to live with his mom for two years and then he will visit us during breaks. This has been tough on him, but I'll come back to that.

His mom was coming in for the graduation and while I think there are some very top notch communicating co-parents who are buddies, we are not. In fact, I think we have both tried to keep it strictly business. Grades, logistics, checking in about the kids growth, and definitely discussing and sometimes arguing about what is best for him and our feelings about this or that. We have an agreement on paper, but we make each other uncomfortable at times. So that was on my mind. Also, the relationship between my son's mother and my wife is also not one of friends. Although, I have met co-parents who are, we are not there. We may never be. Because I talk to dads, moms, and ask questions I know it is possible to be very good friends with each other, and each other's partners or significant others. We do our best.

I also had some dad duties to do as always. His school was having a dinner the night before graduation which entailed not only bringing food, but helping to create an art piece that would celebrate the 8th grade class. I don't think I properly understood just how much hard work my parents endured for me or how much they sacrificed, juggled, and managed to make sure I was taken care of until I became a dad. And this week has been a lot of that, making sure I think and plan ahead to help celebrate him and his class mates. I love him and would do all of the planning, painting, ordering food, transporting of items, etc again. But, I'm glad that is done. Before this week, he also recently went on a camping trip. 4 days without me, his mom, my wife, grandparents,etc. Just teachers. At first he asked me to go with him on the trip. Then, as he started to feel more confident, he told me to stay behind. It made me kind of proud. Happy even, that he felt safe with his teachers and that he wanted to travel on his own.

I'm going to miss him when he's gone. I have had him so I don't yet know what its like to not have him. To not be able to cook him breakfast, walk to school, take him to this or that practice, to go to the library, make sure he knows his family, my friends, and is exposed to cool shit. Sure, he spends time with his grandmother and my step father regularly but I feel a deep sense of sadness when he's gone for awhile. And, I have to remind myself of how he feels. How he is trying to connect with his mom over a smart phone. Its tough and at the end of two years I know he misses her a lot. I know I'm going to cry when I take him to the airport. So, that thought was there this week and will be with me until he goes.

Another nervous point was trying to organize a dinner with my wife, son, mom, step dad, and my son's mother. It was tough, awkward, frustrating, and I don't think I'll be doing it again. I don't want to put him through it, and neither me or my wife want to go through it. Co-parenting is hard. You have to be an adult. You have to communicate clearly. You have to put your child first and think what is going to be the best I can do for him, her, or them. Thinking of him, I just try my best to assure him that he is loved. That its ok to be nervous, (I think I'm more nervous than he was), and that I (we) are all extremely proud of him. He graduated with a 3.8 GPA (Amazing!) and had near straight A's the whole year. He tested into a new high school (top 90%). And he is an awesome kid.

This week's nervousness, butterflies, and frustration is fading away as he spends time with my mother and step father. Before he goes I get a chance to celebrate his birthday with my wife and our community and I'm grateful for that. High school is up next.

Daddy thoughts 15 - Me too/ Patriarchy

Ok, got to get some stuff off of my chest. My name is Robert Liu-Trujillo. I'm a 38 year old cis-gender man, husband, father, and I’ve been writing about my experience as a Dad /parent for several years now (My son is 13). The mistakes, the screw ups, the great times, and more. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately , but that Junot article recently made me think I should share this. I’ve spoken to my son about consent, sex, and respecting women and this will be an on-going conversation. I also spoke to my wife about the sadness this experience brings up for me and for male dominance/ patriarchy that is in me and others. I am complicit and have played a part in it.

Ever since the “MeToo” movement started I have been reading articles, testimonies, and experiences. I have been denouncing things on social media here and there and having an on going conversation with my wife and my son. I have been battling with the thought that I am not free from this criticism. As much as I’d like to be forgiven (selfish) for behavior that is what women are calling out, it is not about me. It’s about changing how people treat one another, specifically how men and boys treat women an/or female identifying folks. Its about teaching my son and the next generation that consent, respect, and standing up for women is hella important. And if young boys don’t hear it from us they’ll think it doesn’t matter and that if the person in question is not their girl,mom, or sister, they don’t matter.  This is about harassment by words, touching, violent behavior with words or domestic abuse, rape, abuse of power, and saying nothing when someone else does this.

So here are a couple of experiences.

As a boy, maybe 9 or 10, I listened to a much older group of men (some family, some not) talk about a time when they were out drinking, hanging out with girls. Partying, all that. They described getting so faded that some of them passed out and some went home. Some of the girls stayed with them at their spot or hotel (can’t remember) and some went home. One of the dudes describes how the next morning a girl says to him “did you penetrate (&*%#) me last night?”. He laughs, pauses and says no. She then says why is my vagina (&*$%^) sore then?” and all the guys start laughing, cracking up. I don't remember laughing. I was trying to put two and two together because although I was taught about sex from a very early age I hadn't had any very few sexual experiences. I understood that this was wrong. I didn’t know if the girl in question was his girlfriend or not, if they did that regularly or not, etc.  But that does not matter. I just remember thinking, that’s fucked up. It sounds like rape. I wish I as a child had the courage and the words to say “fuck that, that is wrong!.” But I just stood there (Enabling or approving of behavior can be silent). I have not heard another guy say this to me as an adult or an adolescent but I’m pretty sure some guys have said this and this is a point where we can say, “NO, what you’re saying or doing is wrong”. It ain’t about “if that was my sister, or mom, or cousin I’d…..”. No it’s about all women. ALL women and female indentifying people. All of them deserve to be treated with respect. Guys, what do you think about this? Be honest.

Now, something I did as a 20 something. I once went home with a young woman. We hung out, talked, and I told her I was attracted to her and that I liked her. I was super nervous, she probably was too. She told me she liked me as well. We kissed and made out. At the end of the night we had sex, protected. We even had sex again on another day after this encounter. But, in looking at what women and some men are saying about honest self-reflection, and self-criticism I don’t think she enjoyed it. And I don’t mean, having an orgasm (Guys often cum, she sometimes cum’s) . I mean, the first time she “allowed” me to. And to be straight up I’ve heard a lot of women say that they have done this too. Allowed. Either, because they felt pressured to, they feared for their safety, embarrassed, or some other reason. Now, I did not threaten her physically or verbally, or try to embarrass her but I think she felt pressured by me. The second time we had sex (after that) she wanted to know what we “were” (relationship?) and was clearly interested in more than just sex. I had just recently gotten out of a long relationship and told her that after thinking about it; I enjoyed time with her but just wanted to remain friends. And we did, we corresponded as friends after. But, in thinking about consent, reading body language, and just taking things slower for christ’s sake I regret doing that. That’s some punk ass shit if I’m being honest with myself. I did that. Guys, have you done this? Be honest. Edit: June 2018- I've since spoken to this young lady and apologized. She did not feel it was warranted or necessary, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I wished I'd have taken things slower, done thing differently. 

Ever since the call outs began I found myself really happy that it was happening and I also started to critique myself. How have I contributed to this behavior women and female identifying folks are coming forward with? How have I done something fucked up? How can I make it better? In the past, if I did something knowingly I apologized to that person and tried to right that wrong by reflecting on it and trying to change my behavior. But I’m asking boys, guys, and myself to reflect on what women and female indentified folks are saying. And inspect your own behavior, not only towards women but towards other men and boys (whole other part of this conversation) I believe the calls of Me Too whether you believe they are serious or trivial are all relevant and that we as guys, boys, or male identified persons need to be introspective. We need to take it in and honestly think about it and how we may have contributed.

Women are speaking up and we need to listen and we (I) need to unlearn any patriarchal, macho, male dominant, dismissive behavior and teach both our sons, daughters, and gender non conforming kids to call it out. It is oppressive and unhealthy for people of all genders and for the next generation. In speaking to guys or boys - I’m talking about self proclaimed nice guys, jerks, allies, women haters, authors, husbands, boyfriends, brothers, movie studio owners, rappers, actors, business men, students, to the damn president of the United States. Are you paying attention? Can you call it out in you and others? What has struck a cord with you?

Guys, there has been a lot of women who’ve come forward and shared a story. Who do you know who is male who has come forward sharing theirs in some way who is a guy/male? I will read it and read it with my son. I think we have only just begun to see the stories and that although it may be uncomfortable it is necessary. And my next question is one many women have been asking, once folks have come forward and shared all of it, how do we heal from this? Do we throw these men away? Do we call them in? Thoughts?

If you haven't seen these films yet guys check em out and study them. I'm in them. We are in them.
-Beyond Beats and Rhymes
-The Feminist on Block Y
-I also heard "The Mask you live in"  is a good flick too

info@robdontstop.com

Daddy Thoughts 14 - Memes & Time Away

The first time I think I ever heard of a "meme" was in 2010 or 2011. My house mate Marc-a great Dad explained them to me because I wasn't familiar with them. I did not know how significant they would become either. Fast forward to 2017 and meme images are a ubiquitous part of social media so I see them all the time. I never post them myself but I do occasionally get a laugh out of them. My son however tells me "everything" is a meme. Corny songs from the 80's are memes. Sound effects are memes. Youtuber's or comedic actors are memes. And definitely photoshopped pictures with text using a popular image are memes. As an adult I sometimes forget how wide open the internet is, especially in social media formats. My son's favorite is Youtube now since Vine has died. There is nothing profound to say except that his since of humor reminds me to laugh. To take a second and just find something, anything funny, to be goofy, and to chill out. There are certainly some songs I wish had stayed in the past (cue Rick Ashley), but it can be really funny. I do start to wonder how much all the isms like class, race, and gender play into what a young mind thinks is worthy. Also, what is deemed funny and what is not. Also, who has the where with all to make memes and who just consumes them?

So my son's mother and I have a co-parenting deal where he spends school year with me right now, and holidays + summer's with her. It is tough. I won't go into all the details but I was thinking of how it is both difficult and helpful to have time away from your kid. On the one hand I get super sad when I walk past his room and don't see him. Or strangely, when I am not hearing him make loud noises or ask me whats for dinner fifty times I miss him. But then, when I get over this feeling I also enjoy quiet, solitude, the space to work, and time with my wife. It is tough and a blessing. How many of you co-parent in the same city? State? Or in different states? I think it is essential to being a good parent that I as a parent don't lose what made me an individual person before I became a parent. I think I can deeply love my child, miss them, and also enjoy time to myself. Thank god for grandparents and community. And....I think my kid enjoys time away from me too because he gets to spend it with his mother. And I'm thankful for that. If we don't have time to recharge it can be really stressful for the kid and the parent/guardian.

Daddy Thoughts 13- Armor & Loops

It’s hard to predict the level of protectiveness I would feel as a parent before this child was here. Actually it is hard to imagine the level of protectiveness I’ll feel with each developmental change. I think one of the things that amazed me so much when I became a dad was the level of fragility I felt. I wanted to shield and protect. I realized there was so much destructiveness in this world. 

Kids are vulnerable to a lot with or without a guardian. Some of the danger we can control like a broken glass bottle in their path, or skipping a film you know is R rated.  But some experiences we can’t even see. Humiliation, betrayal, or hurt feelings; how do you prepare a kid for that? I mean, you can prep them. Give them a pep talk. But there really is no way to learn how to cope with tough issues until you face them. So, many times recently because of a change in my co-parenting plan (involving him living away from me) I have felt an ever growing urge to arm my son. I mean physically and mentally arm him. Like Neo in the Matrix! I wish I could download kung fu, conflict resolution, or cooking lessons on fried rice.

I think of putting all the necessary items in his backpack before he embarks on a journey. And yet I can’t. I can prepare him a little, but I can’t give him armor so that the harsh blows of reality wont stun him too much. As a guardian or parent, have you ever felt this way? Like you’re not giving a child enough to equip them for this thing called life? What is something you wish your parents had given you?

At least I can say I started the downloading of martial arts. I enrolled him in a kung fu class and as evil as it sounds, I can’t wait til’ he starts sparring and gets whacked, and hits back in a safe environment.

Side note: Lately this child has been a human tape recorder, pausing and replaying things. Rewinding and repeating phrases and sounds. From old vine and You-Tube videos, commercials, to black musicians’ declarations appropriated by the internet. He’ll say the same phrase over and over again until I have to say in Spanish “stop”, ”no more”, “enough”! Lord knows I hate to crush the boy’s creativity but sometimes I need quiet. Strangely enough when they leave you, you find yourself saying the very things that annoyed you or longing for their voice.

Daddy thoughts 12- Best friends or strangers

Its been over a year since I wrote one of these and its good to be back.  So much has happened in my child's life, my co-parenting agreement with his mother, etc. But, this one is about what happens when friends change and become strangers or worse yet; enemies. I heard my son getting a lot of advice from his mom on the phone. So I gently pressed him to talk if he wanted to. We had a conversation about a feeling I remember all to well. When somehow someone you were cool with or was really good friends with decides they're not going to sit with you anymore or that they don't like you now.

Awwwww man, I know this feeling. It sucks. He did nothing wrong. Kids joke around and all, but it doesn't seem he did anything to this kid. He went on to say that the kid was no longer laughing at his jokes, but rather he was dissing him. He went on to describe what sounded all too familiar for junior high school or high school. I tried to explain to him that for whatever reason kids change. Sometimes its hormones or something unseen. I tried to ask him if he'd noticed that some of the girls were starting to change externally by different parts of their bodies growing (he told me he tried not to notice that) and that boys are doing that as well; on the inside and out. I told him that he would change too, but that he didn't have to be mean to anyone. Not mean, like his friend. I didn't offer it as an excuse, but more of a factor in the strange behavior he was experiencing.

This is so tough and whether you're a parent or not, most of us have had this experience. It's a hard time when kids are starting to reach their teens and they start to become aware of themselves and as a result get very self conscious. I know I did. I remember kids who were cool, doing 180's and acting like complete assholes. I'm lucky that he has not had to get into as many physical fights as I had by the time I was his age. But it still sucks.

I told my son a story about how just one or two things said to me by one of my best friends broke my heart. I didn't get to the pivotal point in my life when i changed "crowds" in high school, too painful. But, after i listened to him I shared the story with him. I'd had a friend who i'll call Tae. He was my best friend. He was tough and wasn't scared of no one! I was, and it showed. I fought, every did. You kind of had to, but if i could avoid it, I would. Sometimes he would stick up for me just by simply kicking it. But this one time we were playing kickball and I totally fumbled a ball that came straight to me in the outfield. My best friend grimaced because he wanted to win so bad and cursed and yelled across the field at me calling me "sorry". For those who aren't hip, that means weak, slow, or just less than. Anyway, I held it together for the rest of the day but cried when I got home. I got advice from my dad and his then fiance. The next day it was like my best friend had totally forgot about it. I hadn't. but I was also too scared to confront him, I mean shit I was only 10!

I shared this with my son to tell him I had been through something similar. Not the same of course. But, that I felt terrible and confused. And that I wished I'd told him how I felt. I encouraged him to share how he felt with his homie who was acting weird. I made sure I told him I'd cried because I wanted him to know that I cry, I get vulnerable, I have feelings, and it's ok to share those. I told him that he should let his friend know that he's down to be his friend, but that he should also demand respect and only kick it with those who were kind to him. If this kid was going to be mean, than he should let him know how he felt and keep it moving. What would you say to yours or what have you said to a young child about something like this?

Sidenote: He's getting to the age where young boys are looking for rites of passage. And one of the most visible ways to show others that you are becoming a young man is to fight or punk another boy. Even though I believe in solving disagreements non-violently, I HAVE TO teach him to fight, to defend himself.

Play-Well Teknologies! (For kids)

Hey parents, please be on the look out for this organization that teaches engineering skills to girls, boys, and gender non conforming students all across the US using LEGO's!! I took my son to one of their workshops a year ago and invited them to his school science & wonder fair and the kids loved it. The organization holds workshops, classes, summer camps, birthday parties and more. Please check them out.

http://www.play-well.org/

Daddy Thoughts 11- First pair of Jordan's?

Ok before I talk about the Jordan’s let me just say that ads, advertisements and the idea that a product brings you value, status, or worth is still very prevalent. I mean, you can hear it in the rhymes of young people. When they (male rappers) brag about what it is or what makes them cool its often one or all of three things ; money, objects, and women (as if women were an object too, no?). Violent attitude too, but thats for another discussion.

The reason I bring this up is because my son came to me the other day talking about “what are those” . Parents if you’re not up on the lingo, Vine videos are viral comedy skits, dance, or phrases that kids envelop into their daily vernacular or speech. “What are those” refers to shoes mostly. Its an old thing, transformed to a new generation. Basically are your shoes a part of the normal or fashionable cannon of shoes( Don't be an outcast)? Or are they very expensive and highly sought after? NOT, are they unique (Be a Sheep!)? NOT are they made by you or someone in your extended family? And that folks, frustrates me.

I get Capitalism, I get Consumerism, I understand Imperialism, and all of that. But, I was surprised when my son basically said they make jokes on each other about each others shoes. Like, damn! That’s what I was doing at his age, lol. I should not be surprised, I should not have been caught off guard. But I was. Imagine them saying my shoes cost more than your whole outfit argument.

I sat my son down and reiterated the idea of “propaganda”. Whenever we have watched television together, I have muttered or shouted the word propaganda when a commercial comes on. Why? I wanted him to associate the word with commercials. I want him to question what they are selling him. I want him to think!! I do not want him to be a blind consumer, a cow being lead to the slaughter, or a child who feels his worth is tied into his sneakers. But damn, there it is again, generation after generation we (boys, girls, transgender kids) are sold the idea that we are less than. We are told we are poor. We are told that if we want to achieve status in this society, we must purchase. Could be a Lamborgini, a chain of diamonds and gold, the most expensive I-phone whatever (Coltan-Congo), or a pair of Michael Jordan shoes.

I’m pissed that kids still cap, diss, bag, or talk shit to each other this way, so I also told my son that his worth does not come from his shoes, it comes from inside. His morals, his actions, how he treats himself and others. I also told him that whether a person’s parent paid $150 for a pair of shoes or $20 they did the best they could and that they aren’t any less important in this world. He of course said “Daddy, were just joking!” But on the real, that is how doubt, self worth, and depression cured by American Dream gets started in an 11 year old. I should know, I thought the same about guess jeans, owning records, toys, cars, guns, etc.

Now back to the Jordan’s. He tells me, “Daddy, I think I know what I want for Christmas” . Christmas, as in “buy 3^rd world manufactured shit that the corporations turn a 300% profit on” day. So I said in Spanish, “Ok, pues dime. Que quieres mijo?” And he says Jordan’s!! I had to smile because I started wanted certain types of shoes at 9 years old. My dilemma is that those shoes were designed by talented people such as Tinker Hatfield and damn they are fly. But you know I had to break down the numbers for him by telling him that those shoes cost $6 or $7 to make, and they sell them for $100-$200 depending on which number you get. I was proud in a sense though, because as twisted as it sounds it is part of Black Culture (being sold over priced shoes) , and scared at the same time.  Think of Buggin Out and Police Brutality in “Do the RightThing”.

So, I said NO! He said “ I thought you might say that”. He knows his dad. Then , he went on to ell me he wanted Run DMC shoes, to which his mom asked “do you know what he’s talking about?”. I explained of course. But all my old school hip hop fans know right? What do you think? Shell toes cost $60-70 now (also a rip off). But what would you say to your child? What would you allow or not allow? In terms of fighting the good fight, revolutionary change, how does that fit in? Leave a comment. Did you ever have a parent or political activist break down shoes and how much they charge? Who? When?

-Rob (Dad)

Daddy thoughts 10- He's in love!

My son is in love for the first time. Not with a girl or a boy, though he has mentioned a young lady that he admires greatly. He smiles when he mentions her, but I can’t divulge more because he would be mad if I did. What I mean is that we share our first love together. He loves it and so do I. I’m talking about hip-hop.  As I sit playing the instrumental to this classic, I can’t help but feel nostalgic and somewhat emotional. He actually likes it.

How do I know he’s in love? (I’ve written about him rocking out before, because he was about that “Twisted Sister” life for real) I know because he has an uncanny ear for memorizing songs, lyrics, and melodies quickly. When I play records, and I play them a lot I know he’s listening closely because he’ll ask to hear this or that again. I took certain records like “The Message”, “The Biz Mark”, and “Sucker Mc’s” down from the higher shelf so he could play them and look at the covers. And he did! He picked out LL’s “I Can’t Live w/out My Radio” and put it on. He took out “King of Rock” and put that on. The other day, I put on a record…I can’t even remember which one. But I felt so much pride seeing him just nod his head to the beat. I mean, he’s playing with his lego’s and setting up an imaginative battle scene from the “D-Day Invasion” (yes , he’s that specific about them) and I put it on and he just starts nodding his head. I look at him and smile, he smiles back, and goes back to what he was doing.

I don’t want to overwhelm him, but I have so freaking much I want to show him and tell him. This music and this culture the sounds, attitudes, codes, rules, herstory, past, present, future. agggh! There’s so much. I mean, I’m giving him little pieces right now of “Ladies First” and “Kriss Kross”, but I cannot wait to play him “Nautilus” or “ You Must learn” when he’s ready to really hear it, you know what I mean? Right now, its all the catchy choruses which is fine, because I used to buy an LP and listen to the single over and over.  He loves the songs he hears on commercials, video games, and at Warriors games so I have to tell him who this or that person is, while at the same time playing old funk , jazz, or boogaloo records too. There is so much knowledge, wisdom, and beauty in the music and culture that got me through tough times, decisions, cross roads, failure, happiness, and triumph. I know there are plumbers, nail technicians, and veterinarians somewhere that are passing down knowledge and love to their little ones. What do you absolutely love that you hope your child appreciates when s/he is grown? Holler in the comments.

Daddy Thoughts 9-Continued

Disclaimer, this is a two-part blog post, to fully get this part, you should read the first one.

Now, this is a continuation of what I was saying previously about responsibility and the chore chart I made with my partner through research and asking other parents for advice. My son was dodging any responsibility for anything. He would say, “Why do I have to do this”. “I didn’t know”. “It’s not fair”. You name it. But now I feel that because I have made stricter rules and made them clear, he knows what I expect of him. (He does well with rules/boundaries/plans).

Fast-forward to today’s call. He got in trouble because la maestra called me to tell me he was not listening to her requests. In the scheme of things this is not a huge deal, but I made a point to bring it up to him in conversation because I don’t want to let it slide. So, I should preface this by saying that my son is learning about what it means to take responsibility for what you say or do. Meaning, do not place blame on someone or something because you messed up, or you made a mistake. In addition to teaching him to handle his responsibilities, I’m trying to teach him to think about his actions and what he can do to shape his life. Back to this conversation. The first thing he says when I question him about why I got a call is “these other kids weren’t paying attention during my presentation”. “And?” I asked. “And, I decided to read during their presentations”. So we started to talk about revenge and how the world is in a fucked up place because people keep seeking revenge, or better yet; people keep trying to communicate how bad they feel by making others feel worse. We agreed that this was true, and he named some aspects of WW2 that would not have happened if the adults simply apologized.

The next question I asked was how he could have used his voice to tell the kids how he felt. We agreed that he had the ability to excuse himself and command the floor by asking for every ones attention. I told him that in addition he could ask his teacher for assistance by making it known that others were not paying attention, thereby expressing himself and communicating his needs.  I think this part of the conversation was great because for once he didn’t resort to the “it’s not fair” argument and simply said he would try next time. Then we started to talk about his responsibility in listening. He told me he wasn’t trying to disrespect his maestra; that he had been the one feeling disrespected. But when I explained how hard it is to be a teacher and get the attention of 20-25 students he empathized and understood how his actions (ignoring her requests to stop reading) made her feel, and why she called me.

After this, we talked about what he could do on his own behalf and what consequence there would be for his actions. I didn’t suggest a consequence, but rather asked him what he thought was fair. In the end he knew what I was thinking, and we both agreed that no TV or computer was to be watched the next time it was my weekend. Ok, so this right here. Right here, this shit! This was #$%^&* amazing! Not only did we come to an understanding together, but also while dealing out a consequence I praised him for his honesty and maturity for taking responsibility for his actions. And that felt great. No fighting, no argument, no crying. We got up, I made dinner with my partner Joy, and he sorted his Pokémon cards. Nice.

Daddy Thoughts 9-Accept responsibility part one

This post will be broken up into two parts because it is very long.

Today I get a call from one of his maestra’s telling me my boy is reading a lot in class. At first, I think “Oh wow, that’s a good thing”. But it turns out the teacher asked him to put his book away and pay attention to other class activities. I am super excited that he is reading without anyone telling him to. I’m glad that he finds happiness in it on his own. It should be some form of entertainment, learning, and escape all at the same time. But, the problem is listening.

This past year it was tough because I felt like a broken record. I was repeating myself and asking him to do the same things day in and day out. Brush your teeth, hurry up, finish eating, take a shower, wash your dish, etc. It got to the point where it was starting to annoy me, so I know he was annoyed. I thought about how to handle this because he had no problems remembering to turn on my computer and watch a cartoon or a documentary about World War 2. So, I made a list-something I love to do-of all of the things I wanted him to do. The things he would be responsible for. And I made a list of all of the privileges he gets with help from him of course.

Now I know some parents will disagree with the method, but it has worked for me. I’m strict. My dad was strict, now I’m strict. My mom was strict about some things, but generally she was more lenient that my dad was. Now, I feel like that pattern is happening again with my son. But, I feel much more comfortable expressing emotion and feeling. I tell him I love him all of the time. I try to tell him how I feel, etc. And I ask that he do the same.

Now, back to the list of things. I decided I wanted to change it to a chart. So, I looked up responsibility charts online and found a lot of different examples for chores and many other things. I’m still trying to figure out allowance and jobs that I will pay him for, but what was nagging, arguments, frustration, whining, and yelling has turned into a more positive pattern. My partner helped me organize the chart. When he handles his morning activities (brushing teeth, making his bed, etc) he gets a point. When he cleans his room  (sweeps, dusts, cleans up, organizes) he gets two points. And there are more responsibilities. But basically I award him for handling these things I’ve laid out with time to watch cartoons, play video games, or choose a dessert. I’ve also asked him to list other privileges he wants like sleep over’s, going out to the movies, or buying legos. These other things require “saving”.

This has worked out great because now, I just say go look at your list of things to do and handle it (based partially on other parents recommendations too) and he does it. If he doesn’t then he doesn’t get to do the stuff he wants to on my weekend. He forgot to do his chores once. I didn’t remind him. And when the time came to chill out on the weekend, there was no TV, no computer, and no privileges. He was pissed! But he learned a lesson that day, and hasn’t missed his chores since. I try not to punish him, but rather award him for the stuff he is able to handle. It has improved our relationship greatly because in 2013, my fiancée, myself, and him all moved into a house together. And he acted out because. Well, because kids don’t always know how to say how they’re feeling. To be continued......

Daddy thoughts 8-Baseball alone

So me and my son go to the local park to play baseball. Just like any other day we see kids playing basketball and fooling around. Right off the bat, a kid who was playing basketball and yelling “blood” (guy, friend, homie) asks “can I play with you guys”? “Sure” I say. We walk to the baseball diamond with gloves, tennis balls, and bat in hand. We start to play with this little boy named Dominic, who by the way he carries himself you’d think he was a teen (but he’s actually 7 or 8). We practice throwing the ball around and hitting with the bat. My son shows Dominic how to hit. I pitch to him and he surprisingly asks me to throw it faster and hits it. Another boy, Dejuan (12) comes to play with us. He knows Dominic already. We play together and one other boy comes to play who at first is much more serious and unwilling to play. His name was Anthony. Instead of throwing the ball around, we practice hitting and pretending to steal bases. My boy is having fun and so are the other kids. Eventually Anthony joins us too, adding that he’s going to bring the other boys who are on base “home” and swinging the bat confidently.

Its amazing how quickly kids can gel with each other. They don’t even have to know each others names and they’ll just make up a game; up until a certain age. These kids were al young enough that they didn’t care and were having fun. The littlest one reminds me of the kids I grew up playing around. No parents hovering around them, no rules, and just time to explore whatever. Eventually they kids begin to veer off to other parts of the park, and I think to myself “my son is fine”. He didn’t need me there to feel secure or to help him break the ice with other kids. So I picked up the bat, tennis ball, and mitts and I yelled to him “Voy a la casa! Venga cuando terminas. Ok?” To which, he yelled back “Ok”.

And that was that. For only the second time, I left him alone outside to go play by himself (he’s 10 and a half). Now, at this age I went to play by myself all the time. I would go outside my apartment and play basketball with the neighborhood kids. I would walk to the store or to a nearby burrito jointt. I would take my bike and ride for hours, just exploring my neighborhood or playing with friends. I don’t remember my mother or father ever following me to do this. In fact, many times I was home alone or they told me to just go “play”. We did live in a neighborhood with much less shootings, robberies, etc. But now that I’m a dad, I feel scared for my child and at times I almost don’t want to let him go by himself, here in hood where we live or in the burbs. There are the normal fears, like him getting into a fight with some older kids and strange muthafuckas who prey on little kids for god knows what. But I also fear cops who shoot brown kids. That kid Tamir Rice was only 2 years older than my son when he was killed. 

I walked back to our house, sat on the porch where I could still hear faint noises from the park and waited. I wasn’t terrified, but I looked at my phone to see how long he’d been gone several times. I sat there and I tried to be cool. I tried to convince myself that both he and I have to learn this lesson. Me to let go of him, and him to be self sufficient, because I learned it at such a young age. I did this as a little boy, and he can do it too, if I just let him. 20-30 minutes later he came walking back to the house and I breathed a sigh of relief, but tried to act cool asking him “como fue”? To which he replied “it was ok”. I smiled, hugged him, and told him I was proud of him. He told me about trying to hang with the big kids and how they cussed a lot. And that was it. Harder for me than it was for him. Have you as a parent ever felt this way?

Daddy Thoughts 7- Reading chapter books

The goal of reading was affirmed again last night. My son has been reading comics for the past 4 years now, reading everything from Amulet, and the Flight series to Brotherman, Ciudad 1 & 2, and Anya’s Ghost. He’s read every single Star Wars clone wars book there is and has read several other ones from Japan, Canada, and some from other places. Although we’ve found some cool ones like the Hero twins-a Mexican mythological tale about two twins from Mayan folklore its tough to find dope comics in Spanish. There are many comics featuring African American characters whether you’re looking at old classics like the Dictator of Discipline and Static Shock or the newer ones like Ajala by N.Steven Harris and the Black Comix project by John Jennings and Damian Duffy.

But the next room after walking through the doorway of comics for my son is chapter books. He reads them at school, no problem. But he reads those because he has to. It is hard to get him to pick one up and read it on his own. When we first started reading comics he didn’t want to read those on his own either. I started reading them with him. He’d read one page, I’d read another. Or I’d agree to be one or two characters, and he’d read the others. Either way, it was all about doing this together and encouraging him; which has paid off because he’ll read on his own, in the car, at school, or in the bathroom. That last part he gets from me.

But how to get him to pick up a chapter book or Young Adult novel on his own? He’s still not ready for some of the heavier titles, which are huge whether they are about young gay or bisexual teens or Harry Potter (I will introduce those as well). But we’ve started reading some chapter books together which he is starting to enjoy. One series we started to read recently is an old one entitled “Ghost Hunters” by author Cornelia Funke and illustrator Guy Francis. Last night while reading the second installment of what I’ve come to find out is a hug series he laughed at something one of the characters said. I smiled inside and asked if he could “see” the characters expression in his mind. And when he said “Yes”, that is what I had been trying to get him to experience. The joy of imagination. Some of the other books we’ve been reading so far are Alvin Ho (Asian Amer. Character) a series about a little boy who is afraid of everything. He loves the illustrations by LeUyen Pham and has read three of the books in the series by himself. And that folks, makes me very very proud. For me, the sooner he’s able to read for fun, the sooner he’ll be able to decipher the bullshit that is presented to kids and to expand his imagination!
Daddy happy. -Rob

If you're trying to get a young boy or girl to read who is reluctant, I highly recommend the Amulet Series by Kazu Kibuishi, it is a great door to another world.

Daddy Thoughts 6- Dad day again

Today while walking out of the movies on father’s day I held my son on my back; giving him a piggy back ride, walking next to his mom. Strangely I was brought back to a promise I made to him when he was just a itty bitty baby in his crib. I’m sure my parents and step father made the same to me at some point. The promise was to be there for him, to be his guardian angel with or without wings (watched Maleficent). To do my best, even though I might #$%& up, and I definitely do occasionally. I lose my temper sometimes when I have passed the point of asking nicely for him to clean up his toys. I have been late to pick him up from school before once. Maybe twice. I once fed my child some moldy rice (ewww, yuck) and didn’t realize what the funny smell was. Bad dad. But, through the bumps and scrapes, I’m still here and so is he. I occasionally screw up, trying my best to make due with a graphic novel here, a smoothie there, a lesson in cracking eggs, and a regular “I Love You”. Said and done with all of my heart. This father’s day I did not spend it with my father or my step father even though I would have liked to have them both in the same room (maybe when I get married?). But, I did have a pretty awesome Fathers day with my son, his mom, a card, small gifts, ice cream, a trip to the record store, deep dish pizza, and a movie. I am a co-parent. I raise my son with my son’s mother together, through ups and downs.

I want to give a shout out to all the fathers out there today who like me have made a commitment and who will live and transition fulfilling it.  I want to say a prayer of forgiveness to any who feel shame for making a mistake, let it go and step forward. I want to say a prayer for those who are in pain mental or physical who could use our wishes. And I want to give a special shout out to the Rad Dad Collective for giving me a new place to share my energy and thoughts on parenting, even if it is just by helping other dads share theirs. I feel quite hopeful this year for new lessons and new opportunities. Peace!

-Rob

And (shameless self promoting here) in case achem* you have been under a rock or taking a break from social media, I have launched the campaign to release my first children's book called “Furqan’s First Flat Top” funded by a crowd of fathers and mothers, and book lovers like you.  Take care dads.